My Ears Deceive Me

Today's advice: Don't trust what your ears are hearing.

So this lady up above is none other than Terry Gross, host of NPR's Fresh Air. The program is great and she is a wonderful interviewer as she gets right up into the white meat of a topic. She is blunt and not scared to ask anything. Considering she's been interviewing people for the past twenty some odd years, I always pictured her as an older grey haired version of Sally Field or something to the likes of, but I never thought she'd look so much like the lady that used to host the Weakest Link. Do you remember that show? Well, if not, here she is.


Doppelganger anyone? It's uncanny, right? It makes me wonder if the two are one in the same, or maybe they were twins and separated at birth, one to stay in America, to do great things for the arts and society, and the other to go overseas to Europe, where she could become the shrill bitch of a woman that can host a somewhat cool game show. Maybe this was the experiment that they based the movie "Twins" on. Where Terry Gross is The Governator and the weakest link lady is Danny Devito. I think that's the theory I'm going to stick with.

The radio tricks me into seeing people differently. I kinda wish I hadn't seen what she looked like. Now I'm going to picture the weakest link lady talking to all these interesting people. I hope it doesn't affect the way I listen to the show. That would be a disappointment.

I want to find my doppelganger.
Tonight is your night bro.
Mike

MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time

Crabcore. More Like Crapcore

Advice for a lifetime. Don't. Be. In. A. Band. Like. This.

Now this "crabcore" stuff is quite amusing and sometimes downright hilarious which would be cool if I thought they were joking, but unfortunately I think they mean business. And I thought that the musical scene couldn't get any worse. Well I was obviously wrong. It's funny if you turn the sound off on the video and read the ridiculousness of this bullshit. It's like watching a bunch of dudes trying to take a crap on an imaginary toilet. I think the highlight of the video for me is the guitar swing woooo, it's about a minute in. I also like how the fat ass singer can't get down low enough in his tight ass pants to encompass the full crab essence, what a hack. The singer guy also looks a bit like Chris Farley in the van down by the river sketch when he flails his arms around. I wonder if they get bonus points if they can touch their asses to the ground. Unfortunately auto-tune can't change you into less of a bunch of douche bags. I don't know if my laughter is true or just covering up my tears.

The following has been lifted from a site that I have linked at the bottom of the post. Enjoy.

Crabcore is a contemporary offshoot from the emocore/screamo sub-genre of hard rock music. Unlike almost all other genres and sub-genres of music, crabcore is defined not by aural motifs, tones, lyrical content, or specific instrument ensembles; but rather by physical gesticulations and contortions of the arms and legs of individual band members during live performances of their music.
black t-shirt and has a dyed-black sideways haircut.





Crabcore moves
Chiefly among the crabcore musician's repertoire of stylistic gestures is the crabwalk itself, from which the genre's title is derived. The crabwalk is identified by the player's extremely low stance, wherein both feet are set apart from one another as far as possible, while still allowing the player to maintain at least a 90 degree bend in his knees. While in the crab stance, the player then purposefully transfers the weight of his upper body between each leg, achieving a swaying motion intended to have a hypnotic effect among audience members.
Other moves available to crabcore players include;

The 'Richardson Richardson'.
'Krinking'
The 'Beaver Bounce'
The 'Dirty Hamper'
The 'Pestal Press'

Another, somewhat controversial move has gained a foothold in crabcore circles recently, which sees the player simply standing in one spot and running in place. No one understands this move. No one.

The most instantly recognizable signifier of a band within the crabcore oeuvre is the presence of an Arch Cancerped (literally translated; 'chief crabwalker'). The Arch Cancerped (or ACP) is an individual member of the band whose duty it is to set the speed, intensity, and depth of the crabwalk in a given piece of music. Much like the conductor of a symphony orchestra. Typically the ACP wears a black t-shirt and has a dyed-black sideways haircut.

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2009/06/more-on-attack-attack-crabcore-explained.html


I never said it would be simple.
So, congratulations on sinking heavy music to a new low.
Mike

MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time

I Gotta Go Lay Some Cable

I received a reply about my thrice post. I attached it all to the original post. In case you missed that one, it's a couple posts previous to this one. Scroll down or click the little triangle next to July and then click the Thrice post.

Advice for today comes in two sections

Section 1
The new adjective on the street is UPTOWN as in
"Damn bitch that ass is UPTOWN!" or
"Those shoes you picked up are way UPTOWN."
There are also degree variations
Midtown = it's alright
Downtown = shit is wack
also can include way downtown, etc...

Section 2
Check out Aziz Ansari's new character incarnation Raaaaaaaandy! It's everything that could be/is wrong with comedy, yet its done so well that it is fucking ridiculously hilariious. In a lesser hands Raaaaaaaandy would be a hack, but Aziz is a genius so it's great. It's uptown like a motherfucker.
Check it out at the following:

http://www.laughyourdickoff.com/

I got some oreo's on my dick!
That's what I'm talkin bout, that's what I'm talkin bout.

Peace out yall
Mike


MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time

Complete Dissaray

Random Advice.
July 2009 has blown ass. It may go down in history as the worst month ever. From car troubles to losing a friend/family member July 09 had it all. Some high points include canoeing in AZ and going to comic-con. Other than that I am glad to see August coming just around the corner. My advice for the next day or so is take it easy and do as little as possible until Saturday, the first day of August.
Mike


Please send all inquiries to
MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time

Today We Celebrate Our Independence Day

Today's question comes from a cool dude named Matt Raptor.

Message:
Do you think District 9 is gonna be cool or is it gonna be like Transformers type of gay? seems like kind of a cool idea but i think the aliens might look a little whack.

Reply:
Since I am not sure that anything can match the type of gay that Transformers had, my money is on it being pretty kick ass. Transforming my ass, the robots just explode and then reassemble themselves. There is no way that dudes leg was part of a car.

So, from what I've seen, read, and heard of this movie, it may be one of the best Sci-Fi/Action movies this year. The trailer looks awesome, I think the aliens look great(creepy and different), and the tone they are setting seems to be hitting all the right points. First off I would like to applaud the promotions department of this film, for not giving away too much plot other than there being some crazy alien invasion and the possibility of an all out balls to the wall war. It looks like there won't be any weak ass "lets try to be funny and punch an alien in the face by Will Smith while welcoming him to Erf." They seem to be diving right into this world by just showing the way it is and wishing that people accept it, no gimmicks needed. The director, Neill Blomkamp, is a full feature first timer and looks like he is out to prove that he can tackle anything by doing this movie, plus Peter Jackson is spearheading it so that's cool. So there it is, maybe I just hope that this thing kicks a bunch of ass, but most of the evidence is pointing to it being cool. I foresee no break-dancing or rapping aliens so that in itself is a plus.

Aliens + Action + Realism + Not needing the movie to be centralized around America = A recipe for sweetness
Mike

Please send all inquiries to
MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time.

Should I Download "Beggars" - The New Album by Thrice?

Well here's the conundrum. The Album has been leaked with a watermark that features a voice over that states "You are listening to a vagrant records advance promotional stream" Now I won't weigh in on the morality of downloading it, 'cause lets face it music downloads are pretty much free now a days. You know what side of the argument you are on, and you either download free stuff or you purchase through i-tunes, amazon, etc. I was curious, so I gave Beggars a listen to try it on for size. Now before I say if its good or not I want you all to step back in time. Get the Delorian prepped for anywhere in the years of 2001 - 2003.

Do you remember what Thrice sounded like? Well they sounded a whole lot like Thrice. Then Came Vheissu which, while really good, started to slip onto just emulating other bands, and the same kinda goes for the alchemy index. All good Albums but it just wasn't that sound that you fell in love with in the first place. Maybe it's nostalgia, maybe just a change of taste, but I don't find myself wanting to listen to anything Thrice have put out past 2003. Now we get to Beggars.
Answer these Questions Four

1. Do you like Muse?
2. Do you like Coldplay?
3. Do you like mid tempo modern rock a la Red Hot Chili Peppers?
4. Can you forget what Thrice used to sound like?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you will love the new Thrice cd. Once again they have released a solid record, but that's all it is. It doesn't stand out. It just exists.
So if you can't wait to hear it and are not opposed to getting it before its release date, then go for it. If you just want to know what it sounds like, then maybe wait, you won't be missing anything groundbreaking.
Mike

P.S. I listened to it twice then deleted the files.

Please send all inquiries to
MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time.



*Update*
August 4, 2009
I got a message from Matze regarding the "review" of Beggars.

Hi there, first of all: I commented this way, cause i have neither of the accounts i must have to comment on your site. Second: Did you listen to the watermarked or the real songs?

So, feel free to answer me. Here's my comment:


Well, listen to it AT LEAST five times. Understand the music and the lines. Listen again. You will LOVE it.

Muse is SHIT.
Coldplay is SHIT.
NEW Chili Peppers: Guess what.
Old Thrice: GREAT...but i believe in the progress of music and the ones who made it.
And Dustin, for example, is such a great person and musician...please don't ignore that.

cheers,
Matze



Reply
Hey Matze, thanks for the reply,
I've been playing and writing music for the past decade, shared the stage with Thrice, and Teppei even helped record one of my old bands albums. They are some of the coolest people I have ever met. I am not dissing the new album as you could see I wrote that it is a solid album, it is right up there with Vheissu. It just seems like they are trying to hard. I will listen to it more when the thing is actually released, as I just feel weird listening to albums that aren't out yet. I heard the actual songs, the songs just had a 3 second long warning message embedded in them, it really didn't take away from anything. Vheissu grew on me the more I listened, and I see Beggarrs doing the same but I don't see it surpassing any more than that.

Also Muse is not shit, well at least Absolution was not shit
Coldplay is the same, they are great musicians, a rush of blood... was a great album
Chili Peppers are hit and miss but can produce some gems
Old Thrice is great.

Don't take me wrong, progression is great, but is it progression if its nothing new? This album is a lot like Vheissu just a tad less Tool and a bit more Muse. Like it or not I guarantee they listened to Absolution a shit ton when it came out. All you need to do is take out the keyboards.

So just to recap, like I said before, it is a solid album, but its not gonna be anything that really stands out. its got some good songs, a couple of really good ones, and the rest are just, meh. On an educational grade scale, its prolly like a C+ maybe a B-, based on probability of repeated spins, catchiness, and musicianship.

Also Matze is an interesting name. I am curious about where it comes from? Are you in/from America? This is an honest question I don't think I've ever seen or heard that name before.

Thanks for banter, I enjoy it.
Please reply further.
Mike


MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time

What Is With These People

Message:
DİKİMEVİ
1000000$
do you wanna earn 1000000$ per a day?
I have a great offer for you!
How? its easy just fill the form!
You can buy what u want!
Your dreams will be real..

http : //www.FEMALES4U.info/3IMZ3KZGGYU


BağaalpTarı

792878088236


Reply:
Wow, Sign me up. One Million Dollars a day! Shit is ludicrous. I called you but your phone number has one number too many, so I don't know what's up with that. Well Bag, I hope to be hearing from you in the future, 'cause a million dollars a day will make me a 365-millionaire in just one year and that is freakin sweet.
Mike

P.S. I suggest no one go to that Bag has sent to me.





Message 2
A Reply from Nigeria (Nooooo Waaaaayyyyy)
My Dear

This is to inform you that arrangements have been concluded as regards to the shipment of your consignment of funds to your country. I choose to conclude it
and make sure it is off already before contacting you. I found out that this consignment has been lying here because of non-payment of shipment fees. This is
why I decided to use my connections as the Shipment officer in charge of the National Security warehouse. (This is where all the abandoned consignments in
Nigeria are kept at the orders of the Government of Nigeria.)

The consignment left Lagos Nigeria yesterday night en-route your country via Germany/London. It is a metal box, silver in colour with a weight of about
150kg, the box is declared as containing diplomatic /inheritance documents only. The name of the Courier Company based in London is Air diplomatic Courier
services Call me immediately so that I can give you the phone and fax numbers of the courier company in London so that you confirm when the consignment will arrive.

I choose to do this for you because I studied your file and discovered that you have paid a lot of money before abandoning this consignment and I believe you
will compensated me well when you receive the consignment.

Your are require to send us your information as listed bellow.

1.YOUR FULL NAME
2.YOUR SAFEST DELIVERY ADDRESS
3.PHONE AND FAX NUMBER,
4.A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT
5.YOUR OCCUPATION

Note: I know the content of the Box because I could see the amount you are being owned by the Federal Government. This is why I decided to get involved. You
must also know that this arrangement do not concern all the people you were dealing with in Nigeria before today as this consignment/Payment has been
surrendered to the Government. Hence my involvement.

Waiting for your call or mail.

Thanks
Mr. Mark Anthony
Cell: +2347056665788



Reply:

Hey Mark,
What has happened to my man Sansusi Sansusi. I already told that Nigerian fool I was coming by to pick up my money owed to me from Nigeria. Unless you are some crazy ass backwards scammer trying to get my hard earned money from me and sansusi. I'll Tell you what. In a show of confidence I am asking to receive your
1. Name
2. Address
3. Social Security Number
4. Copy of Your Passport

As soon as I get this info, I'll send you mine. You know the old show me yours and I'll show you mine bit, it's a classic over here in the states, you really should check into it. You may also want to see the movie Die Hard. It's pretty awesome, the dude walks on glass barefoot(I know, sounds awesome, right) also recommended is Die Hard With A Vengeance(its the 3rd in the series), it has Samuel Jackson co star in it and if you don't know who he is you better hope you don't get trapped on a plane with a bunch of crazy snakes running the show.

Anyways, I'm Waiting for your reply,
Thanks
Mike


That wraps it up for today folks.
Once again please send all inquiries to
MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time.

Look Out Regis, I'm Going To Be A Millionaire.

From:
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
TINUBU SQUARE VICTORIA
ISLAND LAGOS NIGERIA
OFFICE OF THE GOVERNOR

CONTRACT #: MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009,
Swift Code: BPH KPL PK,
A/C#: 329606=101244=169=678
FOREIGN REMITTANCE
Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04

Attention Beneficiary,

I am Sanusi Lamido Sanusi,the new governor of Central Bank of Nigeria and
I write to inform you that I am in possession of your payment order as
handed over to me by the former governor of this bank Professor Charles
Soludo.

On assumption of office on the 4th of June 2009 I discovered that you are
being owed the sum of US$10.7 million as unpaid contract/inheritance fund
in Contractors Category [A] Record file.Having gone through the procedural
order put in place my the former governor of this bank Professor Charles
Soludo,I discovered that your payment was stopped due to the foreign
policy of Soludo, which led to the tightening of lending policies by
United States Federal Reserve, the European Central Bank, the Swiss
National Bank, the Bank of England, the Bank of Canada and the Bank of
Japan following the global financial meltdown

Based on section 4,sub section 7, in paragraph 19b of the Nigerian Banking
Act as amended in 2005 and in accordance with the financial policy and law
of the Federal Minister of Finance and Senate Appropriation on Finance and
Budget which state that any unpaid beneficiary's fund within one(1) year
of its approval should be returned back to the Central bank of Nigeria
Government Treasury Account.

Since you belong to the Contractors Category [A] and we have started
payment of this category,we need you to re-state whether you want us to
pay you with the old information in your file or you need to make some
adjustment on your profile before this payment.

Reconfirm also the following:
1,Your name
2,Your Telephone #
3,Mobile Phone #.

Note that this payment will commence immediately I receive your information.

Yours in service,
Dr.Sanusi Lamido
Executive Governor CBN
Central Bank Of Nigeria.



Reply:
Yo Sansusi Sansusi,
Apparantly you have some money for me. This is funny since you don't know my name, but that's obviously besides the point. I am stoked on getting some free money and over $10,000,000 that sure is gonna be sweet, even after taxes I'll have about $5,000,000. I can now afford that trip to outer space on Virgin Galactic when that takes off, hell, now I can even bring all my friends so we can party with the universe. Man is that going to be awesome. So I'm filling out this email to send back to you with my name and telephone number and such when i think to myself "Well, Shit, If I'm gonna be coming into all this money why don't I just fly to this Island Lagos Nigeria and just pick it up in person?" I can make a vacation out of it. Do you guys have any hockey teams there so I can maybe catch a game or two when I'm down there. Anyways, why don't you just give me your name, telephone #, and social security number, just in case I get lost or something, you know how these things are, crazy times and all. So thanks Sansusi Lamido Sansusi (I also love that Sansusi is in your name twice, that's interesting, and people like interesting things)
I'm hoping to hear back from you.
Mike




Here's some advice to anyone who wants it.
When you walk into the bank, Do you see the little table/counter where the deposit/withdrawal slips are? Because it should be standard procedure to walk into the bank, fill out all your paperwork for the teller, get on the line, proceed to the teller, conduct business, exit bank. And NOT, Walk in bank, get on line, get to teller, fumble around and fill out paperwork while at the tellers window, waste everyone's time but your own, finally conduct business, exit bank while everyone is hating your guts as you walk by. Be prepared people don't jump in line and then get to the teller just to waste their time and subsequently waste my time. It is much easier to just walk in, fill out your slip, and then get in line. I doubt the bank puts them out there to collect dust. They want you to have everything ready for them when you get up there.
Thanks for reading,
Mike


Once again please send all inquiries to
MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time.

Its As Easy As 123

I got two submissions for the three people who may or may not be reading this. First comes from some dude named Gilbert, and the Second from a friend who we will call "Jack".



La Pregunta Número Uno:

Howdy!

Just wanted to get your viewpoints - opinions on the passing of Michael Jackson: Like him? Hate him? Musical Icon? Creepy child molester? Genius? Lunatic? Did you have a favorite song? You ever see him perform live?

I'm gonna put together a page on the website regarding what people here in the Las Vegas music scene had to say about him. Should be posted on Tuesday, so answer back ASAP, OK?

Thanks!

Gilbert


Reply:
Yo Gilbert, What Up? So I've been bored and tired today since I had to get up and make a trip to the airport at 6 this morning, so I've been lounging around cruising the television and it seems that about 65-78% of the channels were reporting about Michael Jackson's death. Now the guy had some great songs, can't deny that, but he was also brought to court twice for child molestation and who can forget the wonderful dangling baby incident. I'm sick of hearing about it and honestly I think he killed himself. Most likely by taking too many pain pills or something to the likes of. So all I have to say about his death is I'm fuckin over it, lets move on, he was no Steve Irwin and that's for damn sure.
Thanks,
Mike



La Pregunta Número Dos:

"Yo this guy has all the answers. So how do I get a lap dance for free?"
from
"Jack"


Reply:
Dear "Jack"
There are a coupe of ways to get a free lap dance, all with a central theme. That theme is, Now everyone say it with me, DECEPTION. If you are up in the club and want to get a free dance you must have a wing man or at least be super confident cause you will have to act your ass off. It will involve working the sympathy angle, best option in my book is act mentally retarded or handicapped if the materials are granted. Have a buddy talk to the stripper for you and make up some BS about a birthday or somethin, I think you know how this is going. Another way is to find some skank ass ho and take her home. Maybe you can tell her your some big shot or something, it definitely helps if she is, how do I say, Stupid. Have her do a little show for you and bango tango lap dance for free. Or you can always pull the classic dine and ditch but maybe for the occasion we'll call it dance and prance. And one last option is to throw up on the ho while giving you the dance, and while she's throwing a hissy fit about being puked on, grab the money out of her ass crack, put it in your sock,(hidden and protected) and then count your money after the bouncer throws your ass out. This last option may be the best bet since it has the opportunity for you to actually make money. Just be sure to take off quickly when ejected.
Skeet Skeet Skeet,
Mike

Also: Joke of the Millennium goes to a buddy named "Dave" who said this maybe 8 or 9 years ago.
"What do Acne and Michael Jackson have in common?"

Wait For It


Hold


Wait For It

"They both wait till your Thirteen to come all over your face"

Genius

Once again please send all inquiries to MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com
Thank you for your time.

Junk Mail Never Saw This Coming

> From: markcole@extentionsofnadias.net
> Subject: Hello
> Date: Sat, 20 Jun 2009 19:10:33 +0100
>
> MY NAME IS PASTOR MARK COLE,AM ON A CHRISTIAN MISSION,WE HAVE A FEMALE TEA YORKSHIRE TERRIER WHICH WE CAME ALONG WITH,WE FOUND OUT THAT THE WEATHER OVER THERE IS BAD FOR THEM,WE DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE OUR REAL BABIES AND WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SPEND MUCH TIME AS WE DO WITH THEM BEFORE AND WE WILL NOT ABLE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM THE WAY WE ALWAYS DO BECAUSE OF OUR JOB ON THE CHRISTIAN MISSION OUT OF THE COUNTRY. THEY ARE HOME RAISED,HOUSE BROKEN,VACCINES& HEALTH GUARANTEE.WE NEED A SOMEONE TO ADOPT THEM AND TAKE CARE OF HER FOREVER THE WAY WE ALWAYS DO,WE DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE US TO GET BACK,SO IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ADOPT HER TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER FOR EVER,I WILL SEND YOU REPLY YOU WITH HER PICTURES. I HOPE TO READ
> FROM YOU. REMAIN BLESSED.
> Contact me for more details:
> Warmest Regards,
> MARK COLE




My Reply

Hey Mark,
Thanks you for thinking of me out of everyone in the whole wide world to be the one that helps these innocent little pups out. Unfortunately I have some bad news, I can not live, take care of, or just plain be around anything of old Yorkshire Heritage. Being Born in New York I detest all things that are of Old York, I mean they are pretty much the butt of every joke back in the neighborhood.
Things like how many Old Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one old yorker to screw it in and two old yorkers to form a parliament about it. Once again I wish I could help.
Better Luck Next Time
Mike
P.S. Thanks for typing in all Caps, I really appreciated it.

(If by some magical way I get a response from this guy you can bet your bottom dollar its gonna be up here and replied to again.)



Also I asked myself a question:
Dear Mike How do you play the octave lead for machine head on guitar?

Reply
Good question mike. I searched the magical internet and came up with this
E|--------------------------------------|
B|--------------------------------------|
G|--6--6--8--8--8--9--11-11-11-XX-----|
D|--X--X--X--X--X--X--X--X--X--XX----|x10
A|--4--4--6--6--6--7--9--9--9--XX-----|
E|--------------------------------------|

Have Fun Rocking out
Mike

So, Here It Is

Welcome to the beginning of a beautiful friendship. This place is mainly for you, so start writing in. It can be anything from "What type of drill bit to use on tile?" to "What color should I paint my car?" OR even ask me a question like which is better Starship Troopers or Star Trek, which everybody knows its hands down Starship Troopers.


Those who know me know I won't B.S. an answer but those who may not will soon find out. I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself I'm here to give you the truth and maybe a reality check or maybe just make you laugh, who knows, it all depends on your end of the bargain.


So start writing questions to

MikeHasTheAnswer@gmail.com


Have a Good One,

Mike